I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it