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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
They’re stuck in your pants?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
sleeping beauty
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators