ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket