MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I think my mom just blocked me
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.