[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.