[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Finally a use for spoilers…
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Great Canadian literature.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.