I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em