if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
don’t we all
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Goat cheese is for herders.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.