Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Not today.. 😂
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?