If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”