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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.