When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.