Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.