JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You Might Also Like
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Made something I’m not proud of
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
lmfao come on
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…