when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-