I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“i miss shittin on people”