One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You Might Also Like
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.