“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne