[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.