Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.