ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Put the is in disheveled
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.