There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.