“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
You Might Also Like
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
don’t be scared
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Who knew!