People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator