If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Breaking news:
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I hope they boil the right one.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed