Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians