The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
One of the best
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
my professor scared me for a second
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes