*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.