#ParentingFacts
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Oh yeah that’s it
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Just had my nails done!