It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
barbara was highly relatable
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.