I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed