7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Who did it better?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts