Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
he looks great for his age
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M