My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?