Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You Might Also Like
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
whatcha thinkin bout
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I triple waxed for this?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned