7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.