WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
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Pot warmers of the day.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.