Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
nature’s most graceful animal
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.