Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes