My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
You Might Also Like
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
This story is comedy gold 😂
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government