REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My current situation
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?