Writing, She Murdered.
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
how to have an accident 101
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?