Yoga Matt
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*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses