Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better