I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish