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Whoa… oh I see lol
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
When you’ve simply given up.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Just got to our Airbnb!
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.