You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??