Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
You Might Also Like
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”