[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
You Might Also Like
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin