INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.